I could have done this better

Listen closely to the words people use and you can discover what they're really thinking and feeling. One word that sets off alarm bells for me when I coach people is "should", as in...

"I should have made a different decision."

"I shouldn't have said or done that." 

Using "should" when describing our choices usually indicates that we're in self-blame mode. It's likely we're harshly criticizing ourselves and beating ourselves up. We're likely feeling sad, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. 

How often do you use "should" and how does it make you feel? Not so great I bet. As I like to joke, people "should" all over themselves. Then they wonder why they don't feel so great.

Going into self-blame mode actually stops us from moving forward and doing something to fix the problem. Self-blame wastes time and keeps us in the misery of our mistake, hoping that with enough blame and pain, we'll learn to change.

But real change at a deep, meaningful level never happens with shame.

I do believe that we are all RESPONSIBLE for our actions and our lives. But being responsible does NOT mean we must blame ourselves. I’m not into coaching people by breaking them down. It’s the opposite actually. I want you to see how capable and awesome you are, and take action from that empowered place!

Being responsible means that I have the power to choose what I think, feel, say and do; AND I love and accept myself unconditionally, no matter what. So, if I make a mistake or end up with a result I don't like, I have the power to do something about it. I'm able to choose my response. I don't have to wallow in self-blame, shame, sadness and anger to make a different choice next time. We can actually have a lot more clarity and strength to make better choices when we come from a place of love and power.

So, make the decision never to blame yourself again. Instead, decide to take responsibility for your actions with unconditional self-love and acceptance.

Instead of "I should have...", say "I could have done this better". Notice how that feels for a real life issue. Notice it's lighter. You're taking responsibility, without hitting yourself over the head with a hammer.

Learn from your mistake (we're human after all and we all make mistakes!) and move your life forward. You deserve that.

All my best,

Arjang Abraham Zendehdel
Founder and Head Trainer of Dreamality Education & Coaching
Radio Talk Show Host at KMET ABC Radio 1490 AM / 98.1 FM